Sometimes, the person with the most power in an interaction isn't who you might think. Here's a scenario that illustrates this:

Imagine a senior manager whose team has developed a thorough, data-driven proposal for a new initiative. A peer in another department, known for being charismatic and persuasive, dismisses the proposal in a leadership meeting with a quick "We tried something similar three years ago" and immediately shifts the conversation to their own project. Later, they send a friendly email suggesting coffee to "brainstorm other approaches."

Who has the power in this situation? While the senior manager might think they have power because it's their "turn" to respond to the coffee invitation, the reality is different. The peer is actually controlling the dynamic - first by dismissing the proposal, then by setting a friendly tone. They're dictating the terms of engagement, leaving the manager feeling limited in their response options.

Here's a framework for recognizing and reclaiming power in such situations.

How to Claim Your Power When Others Set the Terms

Step One: Recognize the Power Dynamic

· Notice if you feel limited in your response options

· Observe who's setting the emotional tone or pace

· Identify if you're merely reacting to others' terms

· Pay attention to shifts in tone that serve others' agendas

· Consider whether informal channels are being used to bypass formal processes

For example: During a cross-functional team meeting, a colleague repeatedly interrupts your team's status updates with "quick questions" that actually challenge your methodology. When you try to address these, they respond with "Oh, I'm just trying to understand - let's take this offline," effectively controlling both the meeting narrative and your ability to respond. While you might think you have the power as the presenter, they're actually directing the conversation's flow and limiting your options for addressing their critiques.

Step Two: Clarify Your Desired Outcome

· Look beyond the immediate situation

· Define what you want for the relationship going forward

· Identify your non-negotiable boundaries

· Consider the precedent you want to set

· Focus on long-term effectiveness over short-term harmony

For example: A client casually mentions additional deliverables during friendly check-in calls, slowly expanding the project's scope without formal requests. Instead of feeling pressured to agree in the moment to maintain the positive relationship, get clear on your desired outcome: maintaining both positive client relations and clear project boundaries. To allow yourself time to get clear, you can usually buy yourself time by pausing for 24 hours before responding.

This is the essence of long-term effectiveness over short-term harmony: while setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable in the moment, it actually protects the long-term relationship. Letting scope creep continue risks eventual overwhelm, missed deliverables, and damaged trust - far worse than a brief moment of disappointment when maintaining clear boundaries.

Step Three: Reset the Terms

· Acknowledge their current approach without adopting their framing

· State your desired path forward clearly

· Set explicit guidelines for future interaction

· Choose the appropriate channel for your response

· Maintain professional warmth while establishing boundaries

For example: A colleague pressures you to take on extra work by invoking company culture: "We're all family here - everyone pitches in!" Instead of feeling trapped between being a "team player" or appearing uncommitted, acknowledge their enthusiasm for collaboration while setting clear terms: "I appreciate our supportive culture. To ensure that we all deliver excellent results on both our current projects and any new initiatives, let's discuss priorities and resources through our project management system."

One thing to ask yourself:

"In my current challenging professional relationships, who is setting the terms of engagement?"

One thing to try:

This week, when someone makes a move that leaves you feeling limited in your response options, pause before reacting. Use the framework above to analyze the power dynamic and consciously choose your path forward.

Until next week,

Lauren

P.S. Stay tuned for an exciting announcement! Coming soon: A powerful 28-day nervous system reboot designed to transform your leadership confidence from the inside out. More details to follow in future issues.