In my early twenties, eager for personal growth, I found myself deeply involved in a personal development movement that promised freedom through a simple principle: taking responsibility for everything in your life. Every relationship, every outcome, every feeling—all of it was supposedly within my control, and acknowledging this would be my path to liberation.

This seems cool at first glance, because if everything is your responsibility, then it’s all within your control to change it, right?

But taken to its full logical conclusion, what this principle ends up amounting to is a belief that everything is your fault—even things that really belong to other people who hold more power than you do.

While this principle promised freedom, what it delivered was paralyzing anxiety. I found myself analyzing every interaction, wondering what I had done to "create" each challenging situation. When something went wrong, I'd spiral into self-blame rather than problem-solving.

This wasn't empowerment—it was a burden that required years of therapy to unravel.

When I later encountered the concept of "extreme ownership" in Jocko Willink's work (which I love—see a few issues ago), my immediate reaction was skepticism. Hadn't I been down this road before? But as I read his book and heard him speak, I realized there was a profound difference between what he was advocating and what I had experienced earlier.

True radical ownership isn't about blame—it's about agency. It's not about claiming responsibility for everything that happens, but about honestly acknowledging your role so you can create meaningful change.

Now, as a leader, your role is that you are in charge. Thus, you do in fact own what’s going on with those you have delegated to (and if you’re thinking “But I tell my team at work to [fill in the blank] and they don’t listen to me…” check out Jocko’s book 😉).

This is not necessarily the case in every situation in your personal life, and that’s an important distinction. Friendships have two equal participants; in most families, kids have two parents, etc. There isn’t one clear owner in these situations.

So, in some of these personal development spaces like the one I was in, what's presented as "taking ownership" is actually just taking blame for things outside our control or ignoring real power dynamics at play.

But as a leader, when I fully embrace that I have a hand in creating the situations around me—within my actual sphere of influence—there is an incredible sense of possibility.

Instead of feeling victimized by circumstances, I find freedom in recognizing my role—because what I create, I can just go back and reshape. Most importantly, I’m never waiting around for other people to rescue me or make things okay.

This has become a core principle around which my life and work is structured, and I’m passionate about it. So, let's explore how to practice radical ownership in a way that genuinely expands your power rather than diminishing it.

How to Practice Truly Empowering Ownership

Step One: Recognize the Difference Between Ownership and Blame

Empowering ownership focuses on your agency and capacity to affect change:

• "I didn't set clear expectations, which contributed to this outcome"

• "I allowed this meeting structure that isn't working for us"

• "I've been avoiding this conversation, which has allowed the problem to grow"

Disempowering blame is usually vague, focuses on fault, and often ignores context:

• "This is all my fault"

• "I should have somehow prevented this"

• "If only I had been better/smarter/more prepared"

Another form of disempowering blame is taking full responsibility for situations that actually involve multiple parties. For instance, in a challenging friendship or work relationship, claiming "This is completely my responsibility" when both people have played a part isn't actually ownership—it's an imbalanced assumption of blame that lets others off the hook while you shoulder the entire burden.

True ownership acknowledges your contribution without dismissing other factors or excusing other people's responsibilities, while blame either collapses everything onto you or deflects everything away from you.

Step Two: Assess Your Actual Sphere of Influence

Ownership is most empowering when it aligns with your actual power in the situation:

• High Influence: If you're the leader, manager, or decision-maker, taking ownership of outcomes can be incredibly empowering. When you say, "My unclear directions led to this mistake," you're acknowledging something you can directly change.

• Limited Influence: If you're not in a position of authority, taking ownership should focus on your response rather than the overall situation. "I can't control how the project was structured, but I can control how I communicate my concerns."

• Minimal Influence: In some cases, claiming ownership for things truly beyond your control isn't empowering—it's unnecessary burden-taking. "I can't control the company's decision to reorganize, but I can control how I navigate the change."

Step Three: Focus on Future Action, Not Past Judgment

Empowering ownership is future-oriented, problem-solving, and specific whenever possible:

• "Now that I see my role in this, here's what I'll do differently"

• "I'm taking ownership by changing how I approach this going forward"

• "This insight gives me a new way to handle similar situations"

Disempowering ownership gets stuck in regret and self-criticism:

• "I should have known better"

• "I can't believe I let this happen"

• "This proves I'm not good enough"

One Thing to Ask Yourself This Week:

"Where am I taking responsibility that doesn't actually align with my power in the situation?"

One Thing to Try:

Next time you find yourself taking ownership, check whether your statement focuses on blame or change. If it doesn't include a clear path forward that you can implement, rephrase it to focus on what you can actually influence.

True empowerment comes from accurately recognizing your sphere of influence and acting within it. The freedom isn't in controlling everything—it's in clearly seeing what you can change and what you can't.

Until next week,

Lauren

P.S. I am not affiliated with Jocko Willink or his company - I just really like his books. I am pretty sure he has no idea who I am, but I would be honored if he did.