In our last issue, we explored the difference between empowering ownership and disempowering blame. That conversation led me to a critical insight I want to share with you this week—one that could transform both your leadership and your personal relationships.

There's a profound difference between these two statements:

1. "It's your job to ____."

2. "It's my job to structure, communicate, and influence so that you ____."

The first statement is often true. People have responsibilities, and they should fulfill them.

But the second statement is where things get interesting. If you are paid to lead someone, the second statement is absolutely true. As a leader, it IS your job to create the conditions, clarity, and context for others to succeed.

However, if you are in a voluntary personal relationship with someone, the second statement does not apply. It is not your job to structure, communicate, and influence so that your friend, partner, or family member behaves appropriately.

Here's the problem: Many of us learn exactly the opposite. We're often told that if we're mistreated in personal relationships, maybe we should have done something different to avoid that. Maybe we should have communicated better, set clearer expectations, or somehow influenced the other person to treat us well.

This backwards training has a surprising consequence when we finally arrive in leadership positions. We're so exhausted from being told it's our job to make others behave better in our personal lives that we resist doing so at work—which is actually the one place where we truly do have that power and responsibility.

Let's explore how to break this pattern and reclaim your energy for leadership.

How to Stop Taking Unnecessary Ownership in Personal Relationships

Step One: Identify Where You're Over-Functioning

In personal relationships, watch for these signs that you're taking inappropriate ownership:

• You feel responsible for others' emotions or reactions

• You're constantly anticipating needs before they're expressed

• You blame yourself when others behave poorly toward you

• You exhaust yourself trying to "manage" relationships

• You believe if you just communicated better, others would treat you better

These patterns indicate you're taking ownership of what others should own in personal relationships.

Step Two: Clarify Appropriate Boundaries

For each relationship, ask yourself:

• Is this a personal relationship where each person is responsible for their own behavior?

• What do I need or want from this relationship?

• Am I taking ownership of someone else's responsibilities out of habit?

• What would appropriate boundaries look like in this specific relationship?

Remember: In voluntary personal relationships, your job is to communicate your needs and boundaries—not to manage the other person's behavior.

Step Three: Redirect Your Energy to Where It Matters

Once you've identified where you're taking inappropriate ownership, consciously redirect that energy:

• Practice allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their choices (even if that consequence is less time with you!)

• Notice the relief that comes from not carrying others' responsibilities

• Invest that reclaimed energy into your leadership, where structuring success IS your role

• Observe how much more effective you become when your energy isn't drained by inappropriate ownership

This redirection doesn't mean caring less—it means caring more effectively by honoring appropriate roles and responsibilities.

One Thing to Ask Yourself This Week:

"Where in my personal life am I exhausting myself by taking ownership of others' behavior, and how might that be affecting my willingness to take appropriate ownership at work?"

One Thing to Try:

Choose one personal relationship where you've been taking inappropriate ownership. Practice saying (even just to yourself): "Their behavior is their responsibility. My job is to be clear about my boundaries, not to manage their choices."

True power comes from taking ownership where it matters—and letting go where it doesn't. When you stop carrying unnecessary burdens in your personal life, you'll find new energy for the ownership that actually makes a difference in your leadership role.

Until next week,

Lauren